The inner conflict we all have explained once and for all. (hopefully)
“Self-discipline is the key to all material success.” — Will Smith
To be self-disciplined, you need to be consciously choosing the right habits. By right habits, I mean the ones that can get you to places you want to go. To be that aware and committed, you are self-focused and only want the best for you. That’s why he also said…
“Self-discipline is the definition of self-love.” — Will Smith
Even when we know this, it is still difficult to be aware constantly. While habits can be built, some excuses at times slip through and before you know it, we are back to square one. In order to better understand what actually happens inside, a scenario on the outside may be a good place to start.
Everyday conflict
Suppose your parents want you to eat carrots for breakfast. The problem is, ironically, you don’t like carrots at all.
To please your parents, you can pinch your nose and still eat them, painstakingly. Or, on the contrary, you can come up with a great excuse and say no. Either choice implies compromises made by you or your parents. When facing situations like this, many people immediately assume there are only two choices, yes or no. But is that really true?
Purpose, purpose, purpose
To find a better response to the request for carrot eating. It's helpful to understand the fundamentals of human behavior.
According to Alfred Adler, human behavior is the direct product of its purpose. To be more aggressive, NOTHING that a person does, thinks, or feels is without an end goal. Be it actually works or not, people believe, consciously or unconsciously, that their choice of behavior will deliver the result.
Looking through the lens of purpose, let’s unfold the story.
Finding the third alternatives
So, you ask your parents, “Why carrots? I don’t like them.”
“Well, we want you to eat vegetables.”
Suddenly, you realized something and ask, “Can I eat kale instead? I like kale.” “Well, of course, kale is a great vegetable alright!”
Surprised and relieved, you’ve found a third alternative. But you don’t stop there. “That’s great. But why do you want me to eat vegetables?”
“Well, we want you to eat healthily.”
Again, you realized something and ask, “Can I take vitamin A and have apples for fiber instead?” “Well, of course, that is pretty much what we expect from carrots!”
You are now amazed and want to push for even more possibilities.
“But why do you want me to eat healthily?”
“Well, we want you to be healthy, needless to say.”
Now, you start to ponder. You know very well, in terms of health, what you need is exercise. “According to my health check report, I have none of the nutrition deficiency. But what I know I need and plan to do is to lose some weight by exercise, which will greatly reduce the chance of developing chronic diseases. Is that fair?” “Well, you are on point, and we support you.”
At this point, you found that the illusion of binary choice for a situation is completely made up. The story can continue if you are willing to dive deeper into the root purpose of each behavior and thought.
Your parents want you to be healthy because they want all the good to happen to you. They want all the good to happen to you because that makes them happy. It makes them happy because they love you. They love you because by giving that love, they feel happy and worthy. They choose and go for that happiness and worthiness, instead of misery and unworthiness for emotional reason embed in every one of us — wouldn’t you do the same?
What happens outside, happens inside
When you have an argument with your parents, what do you feel? Be it anger, sadness, or fear that you feel, it’s not going to be a pleasant one. How often we, as human beings, set standards for others and for ourselves is mind-blowing. Not only physical parents who bother us, but we also create inner parents who live with us 24/7. They want the best for us, and put pressure on the inner child, constantly. Being aware of how they interact is the first way to liberate yourself.
Have you been acting annoyingly to yourself, in the name of love, to eat carrots according to some health news? What is your way of expressing expectations? Asking yourself nicely? Or demanding like a boss? Have you really looked into what your inner child wants and needs?
Purpose + Belief → Emotion → Behavior
Start from the conversation between the inner child and the inner parent and really communicate each of their purposes. Look beyond superficial thoughts and behavior, it’s time to go deep.
Why does the inner parent want something productive? What is the assumption? Is it to get recognition? Is it to meet financial securities? Why? Could it be in fear of unworthiness?
Why does the inner child feel unmotivated? Does it believe going in this direction can actually get me where I want? Is that where I really want to go? Does the inner child want to gain without pain?
The journey to progress and take control will start at your command.
Final thoughts: an effective inner talk
The purpose of this article is to paint a picture of the dynamics of the inner talk between the inner parent and child. Be it sounds weird, they are both part of you, just confused. The only way to untangle is to start the conversation and make it a fruitful one.
- Aim to learn more about how your purpose system works and how it is currently structured.
- Look for new possibilities rather than the convenient binary choices with an open mind.
- Be patient, the chemical reactions inside of you will start to change.
Be curious and creative in your inner talk to find the third alternatives that work for your, just like you would with a great friend.
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